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Прейскурант переводческой фирмы
Юмор
Перевод с английского на русский $5/1500 зн. (= 1 стр., далее цена за стр.)
Перевод с английского на русский так, чтобы было понятно каждому $40
То же, для тех, кто в танке $70
Для работников ГИБДД $72
То же, с объяснениями энциклопедического характера (химическая формула лецитина, почему дует ветер, как заталкивают повидло в карамель) $70/час
Перевод с русского на английский с объяснением, почему именно так, а не иначе $100/час
С объяснением, почему не переводят вспомогательные глаголы $200/час
Перевод с английского на новый русский $100/стр. + за каждое:
"в натуре" - $5, "короче" - $10, "братва" - $20, "барсетка" - $35, "голимый" - $50, "Вы" (с большой буквы там, где это противоречит литературной норме) - $100.
Перевод с английского на одесский А кто спгашивает?
Перевод инструкции к гербалайфу $800
 
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Little Red Riding Hood and the Wolf
Юмор
by Roald Dahl

As soon as wolf began to feel
That he would like a decent meal,
He went and knocked on Grandma’s door
When Grandma opened it, she saw
The sharp white teeth, the horrid grin,
And Wolfie said, "May I come in?"
Poor Grandmamma was terrified,
"He’s going to eat me up!" she cried.
And she was absolutely right.
He ate her up in one big bite.
But Grandmamma was small and tough,
And wolfie wailed, "That’s not enough!
I haven’t yet began to feel
That I have had a decent meal!"
He ran around the kitchen yelping,
"I’ve got to have another helping!"
 
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Changes in English
Юмор
The European Union commissioners have announced that agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As the part of the negotiations, the British government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement, and has accepted a five-year phased plan for what will be known as EuroEnglish (Euro for short).

In the first year, "s" will be used instead of the soft "c".

Sertainly, sivil servants will resieve this news with joy. Also, the hard "c" will be replaced with "k". Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typewriters kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced by "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20 per sent shorter.

In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.
 
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Etherington
Юмор
In 1992 I took my girlfriend to Florida for our first vacation together. It was great - we stayed in that huge hotel opposite Sea World and had a fabulous time. The only problem we had was when we tried to book tables at restaurants. It was so hard to get people to understand our accents.

The hardest bit was with my name, Etherington. I would spell it over and over but it was never conveyed correctly. One afternoon the concierge gave us the number of a local restaurant and overheard me in terrible trouble trying to get them to understand me, and offered to make the call for us.

I stood there and listened to see what I was doing wrong...

"Two people"

"Eight o'clock"

"No smoking"

"Etherington, no, Etherington"

"Sure, E - T - H"

"No E, yes E that's right"

"E T H"

"No E, yes E for Edward"

And so it went on, finally we had a reservation.
 
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Room Service in Asia: Tendjewberrymud
Юмор
Room Service: "Morny. Ruin sorbees"

Guest: "Sorry, I thought I dialled room-service"

RS: "Rye..Ruin sorbees..morny! Djewish to odor sunteen?"

G: "Uh..yes..I'd like some bacon and eggs"

RS: "Ow July den?"

G: "What??"

RS: "Ow July den? Pry, boy, pooch?"

G: "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please."
 
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Short Stories
Юмор

Santa was very cross. It was Xmas Eve and nothing was going right. Mrs. Claus had burned all the cookies. The elves were complaining about not getting paid for the overtime they had while making the toys. The reindeer had been drinking all afternoon and were dead drunk. To make matters worse, they had taken the sleigh out earlier and had crashed it into a tree.

Santa was furious. "I can't believe it! I've got to deliver millions of presents all over the world in just a few hours – all of my reindeer are drunk, the elves are on strike and I don't even have a Christmas tree! I sent that stupid Little Angel out hours ago to find a tree and he isn't even back yet! What am I going to do?"

Just then, the Little Angel opened the front door and stepped in from the snowy night, dragging a Christmas tree. He says, "Yo, fat man! Where do you want me to stick the tree this year?"

And thus the tradition of angels atop the Christmas trees came to pass.

 
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Инструкция пользования уборными артиллерийского полка
Юмор
  1. Уборная должна всегда содержаться в чистоте.
  2. В очки и писсуары уборной не должно бросать мусор, тряпки, окурки, спички, грязь, остатки пищи.
  3. Пользоваться очками надлежит незабыраясь на них ногами, а садится, как на стул, с полной нагрузкой, так, чтобы ягодица целиком и плотно облегала деревянную подушку очка. Корпус тела держать прямо и совершенно не давать при посадке упора на ноги, а слегка отдалив от пола, ноговую тяжесть перенести на ягодицу, имея руки положенными вдоль соответствующих коленей. Посадкой необходимо достичь попадания испряжений в трубу очка, а не на подушку очка, стараясь в то же время не замочить подушку мочой, для чего необходимо мочеспускательный орган придержать рукой, направляя его в очко.
 
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Система английских времен с точки зрения употребления глагола to vodka
Юмор
  1. Во-первых, необходимо уяснить, что в исследуемом языке существуют глаголы:
    1. неопределенные (Indefinite), то есть неизвестно, пьешь ты или не пьешь.
    2. длительные (Continuous), то есть ты пьешь и находишься в состоянии глубокого запоя.
    3. завершенные (Perfect), то есть ты либо уже вышел из запоя, либо уже окончательно напился и вырубился.
  2. Во-вторых, существует объективное:
    1. настоящее (Present) – ваше отношение к спиртному
    2. прошлое (Past) – темное или светлое
    3. будущее (Future) – то, что вам светит: цирроз печени, наркологический диспансер, белая горячка и т.п.
 
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Murphy's Laws of Combat
Юмор
  1. If the enemy is in range, so are you.
  2. Incoming fire has the right of way.
  3. Automatic weapons - aren't.
  4. Suppressive fire - won't.
  5. Don't look conspicuous, it draws fire.
  6. There is always a way.
  7. When in doubt, empty the magazine.
  8. Teamwork is essential. It gives them someone else to shoot at.
  9. No combat ready unit ever passed inspection.
  10. No inspection ready unit ever passed combat.
  11. The easy way is always mined.
  12. Beer math: two beers times 37 men equal 49 cases.
  13. Body count math: two guerillas plus one portable plus two pigs equal 37 enemy KIA.
  14. Things that must be together to work usually can't be shipped together.
  15. Radios will fail as soon as you need fire support desperately.
 
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Men & Women's English
Юмор
Women's English
Yes = No
No = Yes
Maybe = No
I'm sorry = You'll be sorry
We need = I want
It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now
Do what you want = You'll pay for this later
We need to talk = I need to complain
Sure... go ahead = I don't want you to
I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
You're... so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot
You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?
 
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