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Short Stories
Юмор

Santa was very cross. It was Xmas Eve and nothing was going right. Mrs. Claus had burned all the cookies. The elves were complaining about not getting paid for the overtime they had while making the toys. The reindeer had been drinking all afternoon and were dead drunk. To make matters worse, they had taken the sleigh out earlier and had crashed it into a tree.

Santa was furious. "I can't believe it! I've got to deliver millions of presents all over the world in just a few hours – all of my reindeer are drunk, the elves are on strike and I don't even have a Christmas tree! I sent that stupid Little Angel out hours ago to find a tree and he isn't even back yet! What am I going to do?"

Just then, the Little Angel opened the front door and stepped in from the snowy night, dragging a Christmas tree. He says, "Yo, fat man! Where do you want me to stick the tree this year?"

And thus the tradition of angels atop the Christmas trees came to pass.

A UN story

This is the story about four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody and Nobody. There was an important job to be done and Everybody was sure that Somebody would do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it. Somebody got angry about that, because it was Everybody's job. Everybody thought Anybody could do it, but Nobody realised that Everybody wouldn't do it. It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have done.

ID Check

A few years back one of the new Marines at the Barracks at Yorktown, VA was standing post at the main gate of the Naval Weapons Station. The policy was to check 100% of ID cards including military in uniform. A Navy sedan drove up to the gate with a young seaman at the wheel and a rear admiral sitting in the back. The young PFC signaled for the car to stop, approached the driver, and asked to see both ID cards. The admiral told the Marine that he was on his way to meet with the station CO and didn't have time for such nonsense.

... Admiral to driver: "Go ahead."

... PFC to driver: "Don't do that."

... Admiral to driver: "You heard me, Drive on."

... PFC to Admiral as he draws his .45: "Sir, this is my first time on post. Do I shoot you or your driver?"

The admiral showed his ID.

15 Things NOT to say when you are pulled over

  1. No, YOU assume the position.
  2. I'm surprised you stopped me, Dunkin Donuts has a 3 for 1 special!
  3. If I bend over, will I still get a ticket?
  4. No, offi, offic, lucifer . . . I'm not as think you are drunk I am. I swear to dog.
  5. No, I don't know how fast I was going. The little needle stops at 110mph.
  6. Back off, Barney, I've got a piece.
  7. But officer, I've got 2 different drivers licenses from 2 different states! Pick one.
  8. I know I was weaving, but I was trying to hit all the little green men!
  9. On the way to the station let's get a six pack, oh don't forget the cig's!
  10. You'll never get those cuffs on me... You Homo!
  11. Come on write the damn ticket, the bars close in 20 minutes!
  12. Hey, wasn't your daughter a porn queen?
  13. How long is this going to take? Your wife is expecting me.
  14. So thats what those yellow flashing lights in the school zone means...
  15. What do you use those rubber gloves for, anyway?

 

- Hello, are you there?

- Yes, who are you, please?

- Watt.

- What's your name?

- Watt's my name.

- Yes, what is your name?

- My name is John Watt.

- John what?

- Yes.

- ??? I'll call you again.

- All right. Are you Jones?

- No, I'm Knott.

- Will you tell me your name then?

- Will Knott.

- Why not?

- My name's Knott.

- Not what?

- Not Watt, Knott!

- What...

 

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After the Mass he asked the Monsignor how he had done. The Monsignor replied "When I am worried about getting nervous in the pulpit, I put a large glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I get nervous, I take a sip".

So the next Sunday he took the Monsignor's advise. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after the mass he found the following note on the door.

  1. Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
  2. There are 10 Commandments, not 12.
  3. There are 12 Disciples, not 10.
  4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
  5. Jacob wagered his donkey he did not "bet his ass".
  6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as "the late J.C."
  7. The Father, Son and Holy Ghost are not referred to as "Daddy, junior and the spook".
  8. David slew Goliath he did not "kick the shit out of him".
  9. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was "stoned off his ass".
  10. We do not refer to the Cross as "the big T".
  11. When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said "take this and eat it as it is my body", he did not say "Eat me".
  12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the cherry".
  13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: "Rub a dub dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God".
 
 

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